Choosing :D Happiness….!!💕

It doesn’t matter your age, how much money you have in your back account, your marital status or what you do for a living, we all want to be more successful in our lives. Of course, defining success is different for each us, but here are 16 proven ways that can make you more productive, happy and successful in life.

1. Be committed….

No matter what goals you have set for yourself in life, you have to be committed. It’s through commitment that you’ll continue to make the improvements needed to better yourself. Whether it’s taking a chance on launching a startup, getting a gym membership to improve your physical well being, or taking a cooking class because you want to become a chef, commitment is what drives us all to become more successful.

2. People care about you, not your success….

Let’s be honest. People don’t care about the expensive clothes you wear, how big is the house you own or the car your drive. That’s not to say that they don’t respect your achievements or possessions. Instead, they care you as an individual and they’ll support you no matter what — because they love you. Believe it!

* Embrace True Transparency, and You’ll Experience More Success…

3. Be grateful …..

Being grateful can result in feeling better about your life, more enthusiastism and more willingness to help others. Being grateful may even reduce coronary artery disease. Take the time to write down what you’re grateful each and every day.

4. Take action…..

Confidence is just as important as competence. Taking action bolsters one’s belief in one’s ability to succeed.

5. Money can’t buy happiness….

As The Beatles famously proclaimed, (money), “can’t buy me love.” You know what else money can’t buy? Happiness. Just because you’re earning six figures doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily content. Sure, money is obviously needed, and it makes some things easier. But, you should be focusing on your passion and not how much your paycheck is.

6. Don’t take rejection personally….

At some point we all face rejection. Instead of taking it personally, use it as a learning experience. Accepting and learning from rejection is one way to guide you to success.

7. Have a backup plan….

You never know when the unexpected is going to happen, but when it does happen, you’re surrounded by chaos. Being prepared for the worst case scenario can at least make things a whole lot less chaotic. When my last business crashed, had I not had some cash set aside. Having a three-to-six month nest egg will make the difference. I’ve found that having 12-24 months of cash to pay all bills just sitting there has significantly helped me be more positive as well!

8. Improve your social skill….

“The people who are both smart and socially adept earn more in today’s workforce.

9. Travel….

Traveling is a great way to “develop a person’s character” and become more open-minded. Additionally, while traveling is a great way to get away from the daily grind, it also helps you appreciate what you have back at home.

10. Don’t multitask….

If you’re feeling constantly burnt out it’s probably because you’re doing too much at one time. Research has found that “when you switch away from a primary task to do something else, you’re increasing the time it takes to finish that task by an average of 25 percent.” You’re also burning your reservoir of energy. Both of these issues decrease your productivity and prevent you from accomplishing tasks and goal.

11. Embrace a growth mindset….

We all  have two-mindsets; “fixed” and “growth.” A fixed mindset “assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are static.” A “growth mindset,” however, “thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities.”

12. Balance work and life…

When work interferes with life, it can result in employees getting burned out and decreases base morale in the office. While this may not be an option for employees, it proves that everyone needs time away from the office. If you’re able to spend less time in the office by working remotely or having flexible hours, you should be able to be productive in both your personal and professional life.

13. Don’t hold grudges….

There is really no need to hold onto a grudge. It can mentally wear you out and makes you miserable. And, doesn’t life seem to go a whole lot smoother when you’re not angry?

14. Stick it out….

The characteristics of successful individuals is having grit. , “Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

15. Live in the moment….

You can’t change the past and you have no control of the future. Live in the moment and enjoy what’s in front of you right here, right now. When you’re busy making too many plans, you’re causing stress that prevents you from enjoying the present.

16. Take care of yourself, then help others…..

“People who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem, psychological well-being, and happiness.”

Additionally, helping others is beneficial for our health. But, how can you help others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first? Take care of your needs first and then begin to help others.
“Choose To Stay 🙂 Happy”

Advertisements

Let It Go….Heal Thyself💕

Your pain, your illness, your present discomfort, is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not a sign of your failure, nor a punishment, nor a test, nor even ‘bad luck’. It is neither meaningless nor the meaning of your life. But it does contain great intelligence, and healing power. If you know where, and how, to look.

It goes this way….. You are experiencing pain in your body. It is intense and uncomfortable. Perhaps you have been to every doctor, every healer, every therapist, every self-help expert. Perhaps you have tried various  medicines, alternative therapies, energy healing, meditation, chanting, changing your diet, drugs, mind-bending spiritual experiences, transmissions from gurus, prayer, retreats, hypnosis. Perhaps you have tried positive thinking, numbing your pain, ignoring your pain, saying ‘no’ to it; you’ve tried being ‘pure awareness’ or a ‘detached witness’ … But the pain is still here. What can you do?

Will you keep searching for a solution, a therapy that works?

The answer may lie right in the middle, as most real answers do.

Perhaps your pain has something to show you that pleasure, or the absence of pain, or even ‘getting what you wanted’, never could. Maybe that’s why pain is here, to reveal your true path. Not to destroy you, but focus you. To reveal a courage, compassion and equanimity in yourself that you never imagined possible. To humble you, to bring you to a place of gratitude, and slowness, and truth. So reframe the question, from “How can I be free from pain right now?”, to “Is there some intelligence in this pain? Is there a deeper invitation here? Is there a lesson buried deep within my pain? Is there something that is longing to be met? Something hitherto buried that now wants to make itself known?”

What is worse, the pain itself, or your demand to be free from the pain right now? The moment-by-moment physical sensations in the body, or your war against them? The pain, or your frustration and despair that it’s “still here” and “hasn’t gone away yet”? The pain, or the feeling that you’re trapped within your body, that you’ve been let down by the organism? The pain itself, or your shattered hopes and dreams?

You may wish to explore what is actually causing the bulk of your stress, depression, fear. Is it the pain itself, or your attitude towards it? You may find that there is a world of difference between bodily pain, and your suffering and sorrow surrounding the pain. You may find that you actually feel much worse when you think about your pain, ruminate on it, brood and obsess over it. When you think about yesterday’s pain or lack of pain, when you imagine future pain, when you fantasize about the pain never going away, imagining that it will eventually kill you; when you think about all the things you did ‘wrong’ – that’s suffering, and that’s the unnecessary part. All of those are thoughts, images, ideas, pictures, suggestions, perspectives, memories, fantasies – not the living reality of the present moment.

When you disconnect from the present moment, and go into your story about your pain, you may find that feelings of frustration, fear, anger and even overwhelm begin to build up. You start focussing on so many things that you have no direct control over right now. You dream of a past when you were free from pain, and long to return there (you can’t). Everything was so good, back then. You think again and again about how your pain is preventing you from doing what you want to do, stopping you from living the life that you had planned. You imagine a future filled with pain and disconnection. And you start to feel powerless, and terribly disappointed, and even full of rage against life, the universe and everything.

This wasn’t the life you had hoped for or imagined, the life you had been promised. You focus on all the things that you cannot do anymore, all the things you are not, all the things you have lost, all the things that will never return. You blame your pain for ruining your life. You feel so far away from healing, from love, from your true life; so disconnected from your body, so isolated, lonely.

You have tried everything, everything, except the obvious: accepting your pain, being present with it, today.

Well ; let me remind you that acceptance does not mean giving up on the possibility that the pain will lessen or even disappear tomorrow, or next week, or next year. It just means that your peace is no longer dependent on whether or not this happens.

You are reclaiming your happiness, today, no matter what the future brings.

Accepting your pain does not mean resigning yourself to fate, being a victim of life. Quite the opposite! It means coming out of all your heavy, fear-based stories of past and future, and aligning with where you are today. It means being an ally of this day, not its victim. It means saying YES to where you are right now, even if ‘where you are’ isn’t where you hoped you’d be. It means being in profound contact with this moment, with this body and its healing potential, with the ground upon which you stand, with an entire universe as it dances. It means admitting that you are not in control of this ancient cosmos, that there is a deeper intelligence at work here, infinitely wiser than the human ego. It means admitting that you cannot know what the next scene in the movie of your life will look like. It means coming out of the story of time and space. It means trusting, and acting from a place of trust. It means tapping into the creativity of the moment; being open to unexpected connections, solutions, answers, and yes, joys.

When you fight your pain, when you run from it, you become its victim, because you are allowing it to have power over you, allowing your contentment to be diminished by it. You are giving pain power through your resistance to it, through your focus on trying to get rid of it, trying to escape it, even trying to ‘heal’ it. There is violence there. And as you have seen, your attempt to get rid of your pain has failed so far; your resistance has not led to true healing. It has only split you further and further from your body, from presence, from peace, from loved ones, from gratitude, from the intelligence of the moment – the source of true healing. And it has exhausted you, depleted your energy stores. Think of all the energy that has gone into the war – energy that could be used to nourish yourself. When you fall into a place of acceptance, you are now seeing pain as an ally, a guide, a teacher, not a threat to your life, your path. The YES is your reclamation of power, not your passivity. You are releasing something unnecessary, not becoming a victim or tolerating something unwanted.

You come out of your thought-story “the pain should have gone by now” (you cannot know that) or “the pain will never go away” (you cannot know that). That is all past-and-future thinking, nightmares and dreams. You stop comparing where you are with where you want to be, stop focussing on the ever-widening gap between them. You stop creating the image of ‘freedom from pain’, and you stop comparing this moment with that image. You let go of the story “I should have lived differently – I created this pain – I am to blame”. That is rewinding the movie of your life, and you have no power in that direction either. You remove the burden of time by becoming present to this moment. Presence is your true source of power – and ultimately, healing.

You stop focussing on all the things you cannot do right now, all the things you are not. That focus on lack and absence and ‘what’s not here’ will only make you feel more depressed and powerless and disconnected. You return your focus to what you can do, to what you are, to what is present, to what has not been lost, to what is still possible, to the gifts of today, to all the things that pain cannot touch. All the things that make life worth living. All the things that, perhaps, in the end, pain is here to remind you of. Perhaps the whole thing is a call to radical simplicity.

You become curious about where you are right now – this present scene in the movie of your life. You become fascinated with this moment, with what is alive where you are. This breath. These sensations. The feeling of the ground under your feet. The sound of a bird singing. A car beeping its horn. And pain is here too – you see that, without judgement, and you do not judge any judgements that come up either. You notice in you the desire for the pain to go away – you don’t make that into the enemy either. You notice a deep urge to be free from pain, to escape to some other time or place. You notice a frustration, a disappointment that the pain is still here, that it hasn’t evaporated yet. You don’t fight these thoughts or feelings, but remain curious, connected with the moment. You begin to allow these feelings within yourself. You even allow feelings of non-allowing; accept movements of non-acceptance. You come out of your mind and tune into your body. You feel the breath, the movement of it, the rhythm, its immediacy, its presence. You feel it rise and fall like a wave in a vast ocean. You feel the belly expand and contract. You know you are here, in this moment. Grounded, alive. A courageous explorer. Willing to investigate, and not rush to conclusions.

You come out of the story of your pain, the narrative of yesterday’s and tomorrow’s pain, the memory of past pain and the anticipation of future pain, that is all so overwhelming.

Stop thinking about your pain now, and actually commit to meeting your pain in the present moment. Come back to the raw sensations in the body. For a moment, drop the word ‘pain’ (a very heavy, solid word from the past) and directly explore and feel the raw sensations that constitute your present experience of pain. Do they feel tight, contracted, tender? Heavy, warm, cold, sharp, dull? Now, drop even these words, and come back to the actual sensations, without labelling them, with a spirit of curiosity and openness.

Remember, you’re not trying to get rid of the sensations, stop them, make them go away, or even heal them. You are staying very close, bringing your gentle attention and the warmth of your presence to that part of your body that is begging for your attention. Keep exploring. Can you find a ‘centre’ to your pain? Does your pain have a boundary? Does it throb, pulsate, vibrate? Experiment with trying to move your attention to the core of your pain. If the sensations begin to move, follow them in the body. If they get more intense, that’s okay – stay curious. If they start to dissipate, expand, soften, wonderful – stay close. Don’t expect any particular result, but allow any expectations to come up and be seen. Any expectation, held onto for too long, may lead to disappointment in the face of reality. Notice that too. Whatever shows up, welcome it – and even welcome your inability to welcome reality.

If you wish, you can experiment playfully with the breath. As you breathe in, feel or imagine some of the breath flowing into the uncomfortable area, infusing it with life and oxygen. You are dignifying that tender place in you. You are remembering that it has a right to be here, too; a right to be included in the breath and body, not excluded from it. It is very loving to breathe into the pain, to evaporate the illusory division. Instead of contracting around the pain, constricting yourself around it, you are breathing into it, flooding it with love and breath and life. You are honouring the presence of pain now, rather than waiting for its absence in time. You are remembering a deep okayness at the heart of experience. You are not trying to make pain go away, but exploring the nature of its appearance.

You may begin to notice that, like everything in life, pain is not solid, but an amorphous mass of dancing sensations, changing moment-by-moment. Sometimes you will actually look and find that the pain is not there. Sometimes, with kind attention and gentleness, an intense pain will soften, dissipate, relax, become less sharp, more diffuse. Sometimes the pain may get quite intense. Sometimes you will be so absorbed in something else – a piece of music, a conversation, a walk in nature, a meditation, a beautiful daydream – that you will forget your pain is even there. (Is pain there when you’re not aware of it?). You may learn to cherish these moments. Your actual experience of pain is constantly changing, evolving, shifting, never the same twice. The story “I am in pain” or “The pain is constant” often doesn’t even begin to describe the living, moment-by-moment reality of pain. Remember, from the perspective of the present moment, there is no such thing as ‘always’, ‘never’, nor even ‘constant’. There is no yesterday, no tomorrow. There is only Now. Now is all you are dealing with.

You can see your pain as an enemy, essentially ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or a ‘mistake’, or you can see it as an ally in your courageous exploration of life. Many have woken up from the dream of suffering not in spite of pain, but because of pain. Pain taught them to slow down, to pay attention to parts of themselves they may have never paid attention to otherwise. It taught them to come out of stories of past and future, and lean into the moment. It taught them to breathe, to explore, to be grateful for the small things. To become soft yet powerful. To focus on what’s really important in life. To cherish the day, to see the preciousness in every encounter, every moment of joy, every moment of sorrow, to befriend it all – even their disappointments, even their fears, even their moments of despair. To let go of dreams of ‘what could have been’, and wake up to the reality of ‘what is’. For many, pain taught them humility; it cracked open their ego, shattered into a thousand pieces all their outdated dreams of spirituality, and brought them to a place of surrender and love. It forced them onto their true path, kicking and screaming. Ironically, it taught them the true meaning of healing.

If you would just stop comparing yourself, friend, you may find gifts and teachings hidden in your unique experience of pain. And your intention may shift – from getting rid of pain, to listening to it, being open to its presence, wondering what it is asking for. You may move from violence and despair, to gentleness, acceptance, and slowness, patience. You may begin a friendly conversation with your pain.

Pain can destroy you, or it can focus you. It can drive you deeper into sleep and depression, or it can wake you up. It can turn you into a victim, or it can help you feel more powerful, more aligned, more connected with your true life than ever before.

I am not saying that you should try to like your pain. That is unrealistic. I am not saying that you should become a masochist or a fearless warrior. That is unnecessary. I am not even saying that you should give up looking for a doctor, a healer, a therapist, a friend who can help you, give you another perspective on the source of your pain. I am asking you – in the meantime, for today at least – to listen to your pain, to find the intelligence there. To come out of the heavy, fear-based stories surrounding your pain. To stop thinking about your pain so much, and try a little gentleness, and exploration. Acceptance cannot make your pain worse. It can only lead you more deeply into the vast mystery of healing.

And one day, not so long from now, you may look back, and thank your pain for keeping you grounded, curious, open. You may realize that your pain was not a block to your path ~ it actually was your path, and your greatest teacher of all. Bring joy, happiness back into your life and you have to do it, because  only you can do…in this life that you’ve been blessed with. There’s no returning
” YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE”.💕

The Gaslighting Effect …..!!

“I didn’t say that.”
“You have it all wrong – again.”
Do these statements sound familiar? If so you are part of a large group of women (and men) who have experienced what psychologists call, gaslighting. It happens to be one of the primary techniques that a narcissist uses to manipulate and control those around him.
Psychologist coined the term after a 1944 movie, Gaslight. In the movie, Ingrid Bergman stars as a woman who, as a child, witnessed the murder of her aunt. She meets a man, played by Charles Boyer, who wines, dines, and charms her until she falls madly in love with him. They are married soon after. The husband begins to isolate his wife from other, allowing her no visitors and not letting her go out in public. He says that he is protecting her, taking care of her, since she is so sensitive and easily stressed. He begins to do things deceptively that make her believe things about herself that are not true.
Is this starting to sound familiar at all?
In one scene he takes his wife out to a friend’s house and shows her that his watch has disappeared from its chain. He then “finds it” in her purse, convincing her that she really is not mentally healthy and cannot be trusted. He then steps up his plan to make her think she is crazy. When she hears his footsteps in the attic he tells her that she is hearing things and when the gaslights flicker he doesn’t admit that he has caused it. He is, as you may have guessed, the murderer of her aunt and is using his wife to give him access to her aunt’s jewels.
Like Charles Boyer the narcissist is a genius when it comes to twisting reality for their own purposes. It doesn’t matter what the truth actually is – he has a way of ultimately showing you that it really is your own fault and that you aren’t seeing things clearly. Before long you learn to accept that you are so mentally off that you can’t trust your own perceptions.
A Classic Example of Gaslighting
After I had been married for about seven years I picked up a paintbrush for the first time in nearly a decade. My father paid for me to attend art classes with a local artist and I was thrilled to be painting again. I was a stay at home mom with two preschoolers and getting out once a week was heaven.
I suppose I was concentrating on getting reacquainted with oil paint and turpentine a bit too much, I don’t know. I do know that for the first time in seven years I was doing something that did not revolve around my husband and I used some of my free time pursuing my muse. Dinner was on time, the house was clean, and the kids were cared for but I often pulled out a canvas after I had tucked my children into bed.
One evening he came home an hour late from work. It was late, the kids were already in bed, and I had lost track of time while I worked on a new painting. My husband walked in, slammed the door, and when I looked up from my canvas he snarled, “I don’t appreciate you questioning me about where I have been. I am an adult, after all.”
He then strode into the bedroom to change clothes.
Was my first response the thought that he had done something and felt guilty? Was it that he had lost his mind?
No. I felt immediately guilty for having a distrustful look on my face. I put my work away and rushed in to try to smooth things over. I apologized and offered to fix him a snack. He graciously forgave me and I put my painting away for a couple of weeks so that he wouldn’t have to be bothered with my messes and my lack of attentiveness.

I found out about a month later that he had been seeing another women. His snappiness was caused by guilt not by what I had done. Even then he somehow was able to convince me that he was the victim. My concentration on painting made him feel left out and unloved and so he sought solace with someone else.
I felt terrible and gave up painting so that he wasn’t inconvenienced. That was in 1987 and I have not painted since.
The narcissist uses the gaslighting technique with a special skill. It allows him to control his environment, as well as to control your emotions, responses, and behavior. Over time he continuously plants seeds of doubt in your mind about the validity of your own feelings and perceptions. Eventually you stop believing your own opinions and begin accepting whatever he says is truth. You become compliant, confused, and needy. After all, you can’t take care of yourself, can you? Look at how wrong you are about nearly everything!
Getting Your Confidence Back
If you have been living with a narcissist for a long time you may feel that you have lost all ability to function as an intelligent human being. By the time I divorced I no longer felt confident about my looks, my ability to use technology, driving ability, or the reliability of my thoughts and emotions. It’s not an easy thing to come back from but you can do it.
I did.
One: Recognize that You’ve Been Deceived
The first step it to recognize that you have been deceived. Your thoughts and opinions are valid and your emotions are not silly, overly dramatic, or wrong. It’s important to begin to own your emotions even if it means writing out your feelings in a journal.
Use phrases like –
I am angry because ______.
When he does that I feel _____.
I have a right to my emotions.
Two: List Your Strengths
If you have been hearing for years how you can’t do this or that very well, or you are impossible with math, or you don’t handle money responsibly then you’ll need to reprogram your perception of yourself. That’s not always an easy thing to do.
Think about what you used to be good at. Maybe you got straight A’s in English or history. Perhaps you are an excellent singer or musician. Whatever it is make a list of as many things that you can think of that you do well. If you have trouble thinking of things ask your close friends to help you.
You’re making a list so that you can refer to it daily. If it’s written down you can see it and remind yourself of who you are as often as you need to.
Three: Begin to Try
Usually those of us who have been subjected to gaslighting stop trying new things. There’s really no point since we can’t do it well anyway. We become afraid to step out and try to do things on our own – especially things that we don’t feel confident about.
The only way to get around this is to push yourself to try new things. Challenge yourself to do something or learn something new each day no matter how silly it seems.
Four: Call Him on It
When he says something that isn’t true you don’t have to agree! Look him in the eye and tell him he is wrong. If you are in a public place and he says something that is not true don’t just laugh nervously and agree. Don’t assume that he is right and your memory is faulty.
Just tell him that his version is not the way your remember it.
Five: Seek Professional Help
There’s not a thing wrong with seeking professional counseling to help you crawl out of that hole. You have been brainwashed for years and it will take some time to get healing. A counselor can lead you in such a way that you see the lies that you have been believing and show you how to put them to rest and embrace the truth.
Recognize that It Really Isn’t You
When you are first in love with someone it is easy to cover their bad habits in a variety of ways. If you blame yourself for an argument, for example, then you can control it so that it doesn’t happen again. Only it does – over and over again.
You are constantly told that if you were more this or less that then there wouldn’t be so many problems in your relationship. That is a lie that you need to recognize. You are who you are, and while you may not be perfect, you are as close to it as anyone else.
When I first began writing I landed a nice cookbook deal that paid enough to pay off a lot of the debt that had accrued. When I got the email with the contract and the go ahead I was, as you might expect, very excited. I rushed into the room my ex was in at the time and announced gleefully, “I got a cookbook deal!”
He looked up at me briefly, shrugged, and nodded before going back to what he had been doing. I immediately “realized” that a cookbook deal really wasn’t that big of a thing and my pride was heavily clipped.
I look back on that now and know that even if it had been a contract to do a series on Food Network he would have reacted exactly the same. Nothing I could do would ever be more impressive to him than himself.
The gaslighting technique is a powerful way to manipulate someone but it only works if you accept that someone else’s feelings and perceptions are more valid than yours.
Which is, of course just silly…..
Break Free SWEETIE 💕

Hey Mind! Why are you Monkeying around?

Mind is like a monkey, forever hopping from one place to another. It’s not pure-impure or good-bad. It just is.”Is it a sin to have impure thoughts? How can I get rid of such thoughts?” someone wrote to me the other day. Before, I answer this question, allow me to share with you that I don’t believe in the notion of sin. There’s nothing called sin. I’m not suggesting that everything we do or think is right, but sin means you have done something that has led to estrangement from God, because of which God is now upset with you. I don’t think God would be God if He got upset. God’s love is unconditional. Sin is a religious concept whereas your true nature, and God too, is beyond any religion, book, or belief system.

If there’s no sin, does that mean, everything is acceptable? Not quite. Nature operates on a self-fulfilling prophecy. You plant an apple seed and it’ll sprout and grow into an apple tree. Nature is not punishing you or rewarding you for this karma. To judge as good or bad, right or wrong is the human way. The divine way is to simply be aware, to be a witness. There is no sin in having impure thoughts, but acting on impure thoughts can amount to undesirable actions. 

If anyone ever tells you that they can give you a practice, or a way to not have impure thoughts in your mind, they are lying. No power in this world or any other can give you that guarantee. An average human mind goes through 60,000 thoughts in 24 hours, and, it is but natural that some of those thoughts are going to be undesirable. To have an impure thought doesn’t make you impure, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s not the thought itself that matters, it’s what you do with it.

Everyone experiences thoughts of hatred, jealousy, impropriety. There’s nothing destructive about it, because a thought can come from any direction, at any time. One could be thinking about philandering or deceit while praying in a temple and the same person could be thinking of compassion and morality in a brothel. It’s possible. Thoughts are involuntary, they come uninvited. There’s nothing unusual about having impure thoughts. It’s not the thought itself but its pursuit that ultimately impacts your emotional and mental state.

Therefore, it’s not realistic to expect that you never have any impure thoughts but it’s quite doable to not pursue such thoughts nor act on them. When you get a thought you deem impure, simply shift your attention. Focus your mind elsewhere. Don’t go after the thought. Just gently bring your attention back to the present moment.

If, however, you start to follow the thought-trail and begin contemplating on her, her body, or being with her, the thought will rapidly gather momentum soon overpowering your ability to think straight. A tiny, harmless flake of snow will turn into a juggernaut as it rolls down. It may nudge you to translate your thought into an action you may regret later on.

A disciple fell in love with her master. She felt guilty for feeling those emotions, but guilt could not help her emerge stronger than her ardor. With her heart ruling over her mind, she could contain it no longer.
“I’m sorry, master,” she said, “but, I have tremendous feelings for you.”
“Don’t be sorry,” said the master. “If you have tremendous feelings for me, I’ve enough discipline for both of us.”

Think of yourself as the master and your thoughts as the disciple. When they come to you, no one has to be sorry, you just have to be aware and choose a course of action accordingly. Give your thoughts the freedom to approach you, while you keep the strength to direct them. If you repeatedly get the same impure thought, then, we need to get to the bottom of it. It could be because of deprivation. Those who are fulfilled in their lives are lot less likely to experience constant jealousy or hatred than those who never experienced true love.

If someone’s fasting, it’s quite natural that they’ll get thoughts of food more than any other. So long as they are busy, they may not feel hungry but, the moment they’re free, the thought of food will emerge strongly. Similarly, when you give your mind a free moment, most probably, you’ll have an impure thought, a negative thought or a depressing thought. It’s natural. Why? Because, most people are constantly battling with themselves to not think impurely, to not be negative, to not be jealous and so forth. You are fasting and you are trying to eliminate the thought of food from your mind.

Mindfulness is the key. Accept, don’t react, don’t pursue, don’t feel guilty. Just let it be. You can build mindfulness with meditation, with contemplation, with determination. You never have to be sorry for your feelings or your thoughts. They are not pure or impure, they just are. You just have to watch out what you do with them.

When you simply draw yourself back to the present moment, all thoughts, both good and bad, vanish. There’s no battle then. There’s nothing to escape in the present moment. This is the simple truth……

From weakness I gain strength. …

Too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges, inflating ourselves up to be proud people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own.

We close ourselves off to feeling anything in the name of self-preservation. We distance ourselves from emotions that by all means scare us because of how weak, vulnerable, incapable, or unable they may make us seem to our loved ones….

However, it’s only through allowing ourselves to embrace that weakness and it’s only through allowing ourselves to feel those daunting emotions that we invite love in to strengthen us.

Man and the Rubber band effect….

A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
Most women are surprised to realize that even a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.
———————————————-
When a man loves a woman,periodically he needs
to pull away before he can get closer.
————————————–
Women misinterpret a man’s pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.
Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man spring back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn’t feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.
WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood it creates unnecessary problems. Let’s explore an example.
Jane was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, Jack had been dating for six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to distance himself emotionally. Jane could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away. “One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn’t even want to talk to me. I have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems so distant. I don’t know what I did wrong. Am I so awful?”
When Jack pulled away,  Jane took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things “right again,” but the more she tried to get close to Jack the more he pulled away. After some self assessing sessions she was relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately disappeared. Most important, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jack pulled away it was not her fault. In addition she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully to deal with it. Jane had discovered a secret that few women know about men.
Jane realized that when she was trying to get close while Jack was trying to pull away, she was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By running after his, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it.
How a Man Is Suddenly Transformed
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or “run after” their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.
Imagine that you are holding a rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring.
Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. His whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner(while he was pulling away)suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire to love and be loved have been reawakened.
This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn’t understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away.
Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman my need more time to regain the same level of intimacy-especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is sudderly available to pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.
Why Men Pull Away
Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she doesn’t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
—————————————
A man automatically alternates
between needing intimacy and autonomy.
——————————————–
For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jack was strong and full of desire. His rubber band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her , fulfill her, please her, and get close to her. As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to his he got closer and closer. When they achieved imtimacy he felt wonderful. But after a brief period a change took place.
Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man’s desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.
Even though this closeness if fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be indenpendent, to be on his own. Enough of this needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he feels a need to pull away.
Why Women Panic
As Jack instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Jane or to himself, Jane reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish imtimacy. She is afraid he will never come back.
To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn’t know what she did to turn him off. She doesn’t know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what’s the matter, he doesn’t have a clear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He just continues to distance her even more.
Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love;
Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jack from finding his passion, Jane could easily assume that Jack didn’t love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jack would lose touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved Jane
After learning to let Jack have his distance or “space,” Jane discovered that he did come back. She practiced not running after him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come back.
As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted thsi part of Jeff. The more she began to understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeff’s success was that they understood and accepted that men are like rubber bands.
HOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN
Without an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it is very easy for women to misinterpret a man’s reactions. A common confusion arises when she says “Let’s talk” and immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint “Every time I want to talk, he pulls away. I feel like he doesn’t care about me.” She mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t ever want to talk to her.
This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it it not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous.
Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of “I need some space” or “I need to be alone.” Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.
Just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.
Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close
For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons.
1.A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will at- “Let’s talk.” As he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t want to talk or that he doesn’t care for her.
2.When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man’s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a man my suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.
It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about things with feeling a man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too close he automatically pulls away.
It is not that he doesn’t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw his closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.
WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN
When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk.
At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women generally don’t initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:
1.A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to listen.
2.A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation about his feeling. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn’t need to talk about his upset feelings because he is not upset.
3.A woman has so much to say that she doesn’t want to be rude and just begin talking. To be polite, instead of talking about her own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he doesn’t want to have a conversation with her.
With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women are frustrated with men.
HOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK
When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not expect a man to initate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, gradually he will have more to say.
A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don’t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don’t talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open up and share how he relates to what she has shared.
For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he doesn’t feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.
How Women Pressure Men to Talk
A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.
It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn’t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man “needs to talk” and therefore “should.” She forgets that he is from Mars and doesn’t feel the need to talk as much.
She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn’t love her. To reject a man for not talking is to ensure that he has nothing to say. A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.
A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say

more. ….:)

🎇FESTIVE FERVOUR……🎆

image

As the ‘Festival of Lights ‘ approaches, excitement and anticipation travels throughout The Indian Continent, putting smile on everyone’s faces. From sweet vendors to floral market places,  from general stores to malls and super marts, a fervent glow is observed throughout.
Diwali or Deepavali as its fondly known, celebrates The Indian culture and traditions . It has numerous historic and spiritual significances.
This festival is celebrated in the  memory of the great Lord Rama’s victory over the evil Ravana.
Diwali is celebrated over a period of five days. However before kick -starting the massive celebrations, Hindu families from all around the world undertake a common task of house cleaning. It is believed that a thorough cleaning of the entire house before the night of Diwali washes away all the evil and negativity,  bestowing peace upon the household.
A few families begin cleaning their house a month in advance, before the festival approaches. From curtain rods to bed posts from nooks and corners to every little dècor piece;  there is a lot that needs to be cleaned. It is also believed that ” A clean home on the  night of Diwali is a key to a healthy mind”.
Celebrations begin two days before the night of Diwali. On the occasion of ‘DHANTERAS’ , which is considered to be the most auspicious day of the year. People purchase various precious metals and gemstones.

image

It is believed and experieced by many,  that purchasing precious metals on this day invokes wealth and contentment  within the household.
New clothes are purchased,  much to the children’s delight ; sumptuous meals and savoury sweets are prepared or purchased on ‘Naraka Chaturdashi’ , which falls the day before the main  night of Diwali.

image

Diwali is celebrated in a big way in most Hindu homes. Lakshmi puja commerates the prayer rituals of Diwali. Sweet is offered to the diety, which is later shared by the family members as a mark of respect and love towards the Goddess.

image

After the rituals and religious ceremonies are over people go out and burst crackers. Post celebrations is the Diwali Dinner which includes a huge variety of mouth watering sweets.
Dancing to various tunes or burning crackers to experience an immense adrenaline rush through the course of this majestic night, people of every age group enjoy being a part of the biggest festival of the nation.
The magnificence of Diwali celebrations come to a humble end with a festival called ‘Bhaidooj’ is celebrated the next day. On this day, sister’s  pray for their

image

brother’s happiness and success, and shower them with gifts.
So here we are…..DIWALI in its true essence is a  festival of hope and goodness with happy moments spent with loved ones.

image

image

“HAPPY DIWALI TO ALL”……:)

Stop don’t do that……

20 Ways You Might Be Punishing Yourself…….

Many issues we face would make much more sense if we simply admitted up front that we feel we deserve to be punished.

And our various problem behaviors and feelings serve that purpose.

Seriously.

At least we’d be starting from a practical and productive place.

Instead, most of us start to solve personal problems by complaining. Then we play an endless, neurotic game of cat and mouse with our psyche that leads nowhere. I’ve done my share of this, believe me.

Let’s stop the shenanigans and cut to the chase.

So, you feel bad about yourself. I can relate.

Ok. Now…

How are you punishing yourself?

Are you punishing yourself directly or indirectly? Are you punishing yourself by making your life more difficult than it needs to be? Are you punishing yourself by hanging out with the wrong people, being in the wrong job, by doing exactly what you don’t want to be doing with your life?

Are you….
1. Procrastinating your work until you feel overwhelmed, helpless and incompetent?
2. Making yourself fat by overeating every day?
3. Running away from wonderful opportunities to succeed?
4. Inviting untrustworthy, hurtful or unavailable people into your life?
5. Wasting your time doing stuff that doesn’t matter?
6. Drinking or doing drugs too much?
7. Refusing to ask for help when you need it?
8. Speaking out of turn or constantly putting your foot in your mouth?
9. Going along with others even when you disagree?
10. Withholding your true feelings so that nobody can really connect with you?
11. Allowing yourself to live in a disorganized, messy house that makes you feel bad?
12. Refusing to cooperate with others until they reject you?
13. Saying yes to every potential obligation until you feel like collapsing from the stress?
14. Denying yourself the opportunity to live your purpose?
15. Sabotaging your romantic relationships?
16. Shying away from potential friendships or isolating yourself?
17. Spending too much money?
18. Indulging in anger or resentment?
19. Telling yourself that happiness is a fantasy that can’t last?

20. Or, are you simply criticizing yourself endlessly, telling yourself what an awful failure you are and that nobody would ever approve of you if they only knew the truth?

Self-punishment. It’s an epidemic. And there are actually unlimited ways to do it.

We may even be so attached to self-punishment that we literally cannot control ourselves, can we?

It has to end. It must end or we will allow our entire lives to go by without any period of lasting inner peace and enjoyment of our time. We’ll just keep punishing ourselves until our dying breath unless….unless we stop it!

How do you stop punishing yourself?
Just stop. This is the most obvious solution, right?

Of course, so often we are more committed to self-punishment than our conscious willpower can handle. We can’t stop it because, deep down, we know it is obvious thing to do; what comes naturally and automatically. And it feels wrong (or weird or impossible or foreign) to stop with all the angst and simply enjoy life.

Strange, huh?

The thought of letting go and being happy – or doing what we truly want to do with our lives – brings up all kinds of fear, guilt, and justifications for why we “can’t.” It brings up painful thoughts, such as, “You don’t deserve it.”

In other words, you not believe – at the deepest level – that you deserve to live any other way. That’s the awful message we give ourselves. Self-punishment.

Even stranger, often we get a subtle thrill out of it all. Or, we act as if enduring the punishment is some badge of honor. In short, our pain can make us feel special and we don’t want to give up that twisted sentiment.

So, we keep it up.

But think about this: What if you had no desire – ZERO TENDENCY – to criticize yourself, hold yourself back or believe you are less than? In other words, we wave a magic wand and, presto! You are healed and fully capable of living in peace, joy and success. Do you want that? What would your life be like?